I believe there is often more to the story.
Many of the behaviors, patterns, and coping strategies we develop begin as ways of protecting ourselves, helping us manage difficult experiences, or creating a sense of safety. Our minds and bodies are constantly responding to what we experience, and over time, these responses can become familiar patterns.
Sometimes those patterns continue long after we need them. We may find ourselves anxious even when things are relatively safe, overwhelmed by emotions that seem to come out of nowhere, or struggling with emotional regulation when stress, uncertainty, or difficult experiences feel like too much. We may shut down or withdraw when we most want to connect, or get caught in cycles of overthinking, striving, avoiding, or disconnecting.
A trauma-informed and nervous-system-informed approach invites us to become curious about these responses rather than judging them. In therapy, we can explore where these patterns may come from, how they affect you in the present, and what might help you respond differently.
Understanding Anxiety, Stress & Your Nervous System
Our nervous system plays an important role in how we experience and respond to the world around us. It is constantly taking in information about our environment, our relationships, our internal experiences, and monitoring our sense of safety.
A polyvagal-informed lens offers one way of understanding these responses. Drawing from polyvagal theory, we can become curious about the different states your nervous system may move through and how those states can influence your emotions, thoughts, body sensations, behaviors, and relationships.
You may notice times when you feel relatively grounded, connected, and able to engage with what is happening around you. At other times, your system may shift toward protection. You might experience anxiety, stress, urgency, irritability, hypervigilance, or a strong need to control what is happening. You might also find yourself withdrawing, shutting down, feeling numb, disconnected, or having difficulty accessing your emotions.
These responses are not evidence that something is wrong with you.
They may be ways your mind and body have learned to respond to stress, uncertainty, or perceived threat.
Understanding these patterns can create a different starting point for therapy: not “Why am I like this?” but “What is happening for me right now, and what might my system be responding to?”
From “What’s Wrong With Me?” to “What Happened to Me?”
I often return to the question, “What happened to you?” rather than “What’s wrong with you?”, a perspective reflected in the work of Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey.
This shift isn’t about defining you by your past or assuming that every struggle comes from trauma. Instead, it invites a deeper sense of curiosity:
What have I experienced?
What have I learned?
What does my body seem to be responding to?
What patterns have developed to help me cope, connect, protect myself, or feel safe?
What do I need now?
From a nervous-system perspective, we can become curious about both the history behind a pattern and what is happening in the present moment. Rather than trying to force ourselves to “get over” a response, we can learn to notice it, understand it, and gradually develop more flexibility in how we respond.
When we can understand ourselves with greater compassion, we often create more room for change.
