I was reminded of this idea while listening to David Kessler’s Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. He talks about how meaning begins and ends with the stories we tell, that storytelling is how we heal, and that healing doesn’t mean the loss didn’t happen. It means the loss no longer controls us.
I believe this idea applies far beyond loss. It shows up in every hard emotional moment.
Clients often come to me wanting to feel better. Of course they do, and that’s completely appropriate. I think of clients who come to me exhausted trying to fix their anxiety. But feeling better rarely means not feeling that anxiety or sadness, anger, fear, or their many variations. It means changing our relationship with those emotions. Put another way, in Kessler’s terms: changing the story we tell about what those emotions mean.
So how do we actually do this? Both of the frameworks I turn to most often start the same way, by making room for the emotion before trying to change it. I love using polyvagal theory’s 4 R’s (Recognize, Respect, Regulate, Re-Story) and Tara Brach’s RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture).
I’ll show you how to use these frameworks to meet your emotions with safety and curiosity. Making space to experience and understand them, rather than pushing them away. The goal isn’t to get rid of difficult feelings; it’s to understand them, find meaning in what you’re experiencing, integrate it into your story, and ultimately move forward and heal.
So, let’s start with the 4 R’s and anxiety.
Recognize. Step 1 is to recognize that you are feeling anxious. This can be done by taking some time mapping out your thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and behavior urges or actions while in a mildly anxious situation. I encourage you to even write this out.
For example, when I am about to give a presentation I feel shortness of breath, tightening of the chest and often shoulders, maybe even sweaty palms. I feel nervous and self-conscious. The thoughts can often be critical and along the lines of “calm down, or if you can’t even do this, what are you doing being a therapist?” and my urge is to shrug it off and say I don’t care (which I do), want to flee the situation, or come up with an excuse to not do it. I am full on in my sympathetic nervous system state!
Respect. That brings me to Step 2: Respect. This is the start to changing my relationship, or the meaning, of the emotion or feeling. We go into our sympathetic nervous system state to mobilize us and protect us. In this state the story and meaning is that I want to do well in the presentation, and not doing well would be threatening to my professional identity, ego, and self-esteem. So, while my body is trying to help me get through this presentation and do well, it is a tad too intense.
Regulate. So, I will regulate! I do a few shoulder rolls to release the tension in my shoulders, I extend the exhale to start to slow the heart rate, I take big belly breaths to move beyond chest breathing. I use some encouraging self-talk. I may still tell myself to calm down, but I check my tone.
Re-Story. I will now re-story! I remind myself I have skills and knowledge and that the presentation does not need to go perfectly to prove I am a competent and good therapist; I just need to do my best and be me. The anxiety is not a bad thing and does not mean I am a failure or going to be a failure, I just need to get it in check, channel it or regulate it to my advantage, and re-story it as my care and desire to do well.
Let’s try that same anxious moment again, this time through the RAIN practice.
Recognize. Once again, I recognize that I’m in my sympathetic nervous system state. I notice the impact it’s having on my thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and urges.
Allow. The next step is to allow the experience to be there just as it is, without trying to fix, judge, or push it away. This takes ongoing practice with regulation tools so that you can sit with discomfort instead of being hijacked into fight or flight. I think of this moment of Allow as a softening, an understanding that your feelings are valid and make sense given the situation. They may be heightened or exaggerated, but they are true and give you a message. In this case, I care and want to do well, and the anxiety wants that too; it’s just a bit too intense. So, in this phase, I may sit with the anxiety for a moment and name it. I feel anxious, and I take some deep, mindful breaths.
Investigate. After Allow, you can investigate. Get curious. Tara Brach describes this stage as bringing a gentle, caring curiosity to your physical and emotional sensations, noticing how the feeling registers in your body and what beliefs are attached to it. This is where I further understand not what’s wrong with me, but why my body is responding the way it is. My heart rate is increasing because I’ve attached a fear of failure to the presentation, and my body is working to protect me.
Nurture. So now I nurture. Brach calls this step tending to whatever feels wounded or afraid inside you, often through a small physical gesture, a hand on the heart, a few words of care directed inward. Sometimes I think of my biggest fan in this scenario, my mom, and imagine her smile or her hand on my shoulder. It’s a way to cultivate that kindness, calm my nervous system, and set myself up for success.
Whichever path you take, you end up in the same place Kessler described: not a story where the pain never happened, but one where it no longer runs the show and is honored and felt.
Want to go deeper? Check out my online course, Rebalance Your Nervous System: From Rumination to Regulation → danellechapman.com/online-courses
Or learn more about my trauma-informed approach to therapy for anxiety, stress, and emotional regulation → danellechapman.com/trauma-informed-therapy
Check out this Guided 4 R’s Mindfulness Meditation Practice
